As I enter the tenth year of marriage I would like to believe I have become a little more mature, a little more patient, a little more forgiving. I am beginning to understand that not everything needs to be said and neither does every argument need to be won. I am beginning to let go of insignificant things and yet learn to stand firm about things that really matter.
As I sit and reflect here are my two bits on what all a wife should remember :
Remember that love remains but it’s expression often changes. Gone are the days of special dinners, candlelight romance and catering to each other’s every whim. Yes you will still do all these things but they will not be your or your husband’s top priority. Kids, careers, finances, families will loom over your romance till it takes a backseat. Learn to notice and appreciate the small but endless gestures of love and concern your husband makes. Every time he makes coffee for you, takes over the kids on a Sunday morning so that you can sleep in or lets you choose which movie to watch.
Remember that it is the two of you against the world and not against each other.I am not saying wage a war against the world, against your families or friends but try not to fight over them. Don’t make every issue you have with others into a fight between yourselves. Try to minimize fighting amongst yourselves over in-laws, relatives and friends. This is often difficult, but try to see the two of you as being on the same side and not fighting or defending opposite sides. Show a united front to the world, never pull each other down in front of others.
Remember that if your husband has changed, so have you. We often complain that our husbands have changed so much, they are not as attentive, outgoing, demonstrative as before. But look in the mirror, are you still the same girl your husband met ten years ago. Have you not changed, grown, evolved (for better or worse) so why expect any different from him. Acknowledge what has changed for the better, he maybe more responsible, caring, considerate than before. PDA will turn into more subtle but meaningful gestures, appreciate them.
Remember that every promise may not be fulfilled. Many times, even with the best of intentions and efforts promises will be broken. We may promise each other the world and beyond in the beginning, but as we mature, we need to realize that promises are broken and expectations unfulfilled from both sides. We need to let go and not hold on to anger and resentment. When we decided to have children, we had a very idealistic vision of how we would raise our children, but as our babies were born, we realized that things don’t always go according to plan but that’s okay. Similarly, some expectations we had made from each other before marriage could not be fulfilled in the grand scheme of life, but it’s not really anyone’s fault.
Remember that it’s okay to not finish every argument. I do not believe in the belief that never sleep on an argument. This has happened after many nights of endless, meaningless arguing when both of us were too tired to make any sense or to give in. It’s okay to pause an argument and talk about it the next day because everything does seem better in the morning after the night’s sleep. But it’s also okay to decide not to argue. Many times me and my husband argue about the same things over and over again, but now I have learned to say let’s end it, we both know the result, so let’s give up and agree to disagree.
Remember to talk, talk and always talk.My favorite person to talk to in this whole world is my husband. I talk to him a couple of times in the day and I still want to my alone time with him at night. Communication is the most important thing for me in a marriage, and it’s really important to be able to talk about everything under the sun. Long after sex and kids are gone, being able to talk to each other is what will keep you going.
Remember never to compare your marriage with any other. No marriage is perfect, and anyone who says so is a liar. All couples fight, argue, have their own issues and then makeup. Don’t let comparisons or preconceived notions of right and wrong create problems in your marriage. All couples are different and so is their relationship. It’s okay to be together twenty-four-seven, but it’s also okay to go on separate vacations or have my time if that’s what you want. Live your marriage the way you want to, the way it makes you feel happy and content.
Remember that marriage is meant to be fun. The day you got married, you couldn’t wait to begin your life together. Now try to enjoy this life together. Have adventures, or simple coffee dates, romantic dinners or pizza dinners with kids but enjoy the ride. Send the kids to grandmother’s house and make a to-do romantic list for the day. Have lots of wine, watch movies, go for drives, trekking or meet friends. Remember the vision, the plans, the dreams you had together and try to live them in any way you can. We have made a bucket list of fifty odd things ranging from overnight trips to learning cooking together and are slowly making our way through it !! Would love to hear others’ experiences, what to remember, what to forget and their stories