I keep wondering am I just a stay at home mom ? Is that my only identity ?? Am I doing something wrong by not working ?? Well these are perpetual question in my head..
When I was a teenager , I used to look at the women around me and often wonder what kind of a person I would grow up to be . In my head there were 2 kinds : the outgoing , smart girls who were constantly busy and living it up, and the nice, homely girls who were the perfect housewives and mothers. My 13 year old brain could not fathom that every person is a combination of both (just like all of us grew up to be ). But one thing was certain in my head that I will work and have a fulfilling professional life. Being an ace student , I was encouraged by one and all to do engineering or medicine , but I had a keen interest in psychology and decided to pursue it.
My dream, my passion was to have a productive and satisfying career in psychology . Then I got married and got preoccupied with becoming the perfect daughter in law, perfect mother and perfect wife (and yes in this order ). Thoughts of working were shelved temporarily as becoming a part of the new household became a priority . And then came the kids and the temporary hiatus started seeming like a very long and maybe even permanent one.
So busy was I in setting up a positive, nurturing , full of love house and family that my drive to follow my passions, my ambitions got lost without me even realizing how and why. I got so engrossed in my daily life that I neglected my own well being, mental and physical. My priority were the kids and rightly so but I stopped thinking completely about what made me happy.
This is not to say that I regret any of it , I am blessed with a wonderful life and an amazing family. And raising 2 kids is a immensely time consuming and satisfying job. I keep telling myself that when the kids are more grown up I will figure out what to do work wise. But somewhere deep inside there is a stinging sensation , the reminder that time is getting lost. I feel physically exhausted but at the same time mentally stagnated. My body is always in over exertion mode , but I don’t feel mentally stimulated or productive.
Add to that the general notion in society these days which considers you smart enough or capable enough only if you have a job. It is unfathomable to people that you have decided to stay home the next few years to be with your children and see them grow. Your worth , your capability is judged by the fact that you are getting a pay check at the end of the month.
These thoughts keep running in my head and add to the frustration and feeling of not doing enough.